*Note to reader: This is an exercise in, well, I am not sure what. This is a letter to myself going back to when I was 20 years of age - a different person, mindset, body and spirit. I've always wondered what I would say to myself if I could go back...here is my crack at it.
I'm forty-six years old and you are twenty. It's hard to believe twenty-six years have gone by.
Looking at you now, it's hard to believe we are the same person. Inside me, today, you are buried deep and yet you still manage to pop out now and again.
Sometimes I really resent you. You and your insecurity. You were scared of everyone and everything. You stayed up all night paralyzed by the fear of dying in your sleep. If you only knew what was coming. I won't go into that now because you really won't sleep.
Maybe you should have taken care of yourself back then. You wallowed through school - a college you knew you didn't belong. Deep down you knew but you were afraid to be who you are today. You were afraid to fail. You were afraid to try too hard and simply fail. Change scared you almost into oblivion.
I have news for you. People fail every minute. And if you think 'girls' are your biggest problem, wait until you have a shooting pain up your arm and you are on a table staring up at hospital lights.
So scared of failure. So little lack of faith in self.
Shame on you for listening to the negatives. You will learn not to waste so much energy on those who look to knock you down. It will take you too many years though so get crackin' on that now will you?
If you only knew about what you will accomplish. If you had a glimpse, maybe it would all be different somehow. Maybe you would have been braver. Hard to tell.
Here are a few things you have succeeded in...I thought you should know.
You will graduate college...you will get a job. No, I can't say you will ever love it but you will be more successful than you could imagine at it.
You are going to be in a rock band - a pretty good one at that.
You are going to learn how to skate and play ice hockey - something you dreamed of when you saw Jim Craig win the gold medal in the 1980 Olympics.
You will discover the gym and get stronger and thinner. I promise. By the way...you should have started running by now but that can't be helped right now.
You are a published author. No one will ever take that away from you. And while you are at it, be okay with who you are - an artist. Recognize it early and don't take 25 years to figure it all out. Keep dreaming all of those fantasies you use to distract you from life - it worked.
Let go of your regrets. Do it now. They will only haunt you on your darkest days.
Let go of your enemies both real and not. Do it now. The battles that rage in your head will get you no where.
Listen to your body. It's telling you how you are every minute of every day. Did I mention you should start running?
You will sound like your dad more and more....get used to it and be proud.
By the way, you will be a dad contrary to what everyone has told you all your life since you were six.
You will have friends for life. And they will want to be with you forever.
That's about it, Me. I wish we could sit and chat longer but you and I are very different people. You like to sit there and wait for the world to guide you down the river. Not me. Maybe not as much. It's an unforgiving world we live in - grab it by the horns and twist until it goes to its knees.
I'll never forget you, Me. Deep down, you are always there. I might try to hush you more than I should but I learned a lot from you. I am me because of you.
Everything you did, made me what I am today. Sometimes I curse it. Most of the time, I accept it.
Enjoy the ride, Me, and smile every once in a while. You don't do that enough, if you ask me.