Thursday, March 10, 2011

Forever is my time....

This is an excerpt from my second bout with what I call 'nuclear fallout'. Some have asked what was it like during the diagnosis period. There was no editing. There was no grammar check. This was 'as is'. This is an attempt to encapsulate those very moments when mortality is in full question. *Note - this site that this excerpt was extracted polices harsh language. I am that way so any *** you see, I'll give you license to ad-lib. Here is the beginning... Day 1 Posted May 5, 2009 10:26am For those of you who know me, I've been under medical inspection for over a month or so. Well, today marks the first day of my journey. It's a journey I didn't think I would ever have to do again. As a 6-year-old, I suffered from Hodgkin's Disease. Thirty-six years later a new battle has unfolded. On May 5th, 2009, the preliminary results have been turned in and I have been diagnosed with a sarcoma (cancer) of which my liver is the second place of origin. That is, the liver is not where it has originated from. Where? Good question. Evidence points to gastric or colon cancer as the origin. More tests will prove this out. They, doctors that is, haven't ruled out my previous treatments as a child as the culprit either. Time will tell. I hope I have the patience and mental edge to get through this. This will be my forum of communication to the world. I am a better writer than orator. I wanted to set a few rules before I continue. In no particular order: 1. I am not out to make other people feel good. This is harsh, I know. I should qualify this. You may cry. You may feel bad for me. You may have pity on me. I am not going to go into a stage act to make it better or easier for you. I am pissed. I am beyond angry. The Universe, God, Satan, Mother Earth, whatever, didn't think my family had enough to go through with Pam being a survivor herself. I have a 5 year old I want to see graduate high school, ask for my car, and think of me as a superhero. **** the higher(?) being who wants to rob me of that. So if I appear recluse, angry, sad, or whatever adjective you need to describe my moment, I offer no apologies save this thought - I need you. I need you to understand that I am in a war. It's a personal one and sometimes citizens get hurt. None of the fallout is intentional. 2. I do need you. I am strong. I am sharp. I feel very good actually. I'm probably one of the few cancer patients who can run a 5k, bench 200lbs, get a shut out in hockey (I'm a goalie) and write a **** good story. But I still need you. I need you to make me laugh and see that tears in the rain are just that - invisible. I have enough resolve to go it alone but I don't prefer that. I am asking you, actually begging you, to stick with me. I have wonderful friends, both old and new, and my family is battle tested. The only deal I ask is that you be real with me because I am sure as hell going to give you all of me when I can. Life is too short not to do that. 3. Be normal. Normal is a question of knowing what the moment requires. If I am at work, I expect that we will all go about our duties. If anything I want to be a creature of duty because it is comforting to be in routine. I expect to judge and be judged in my work. I am also an author and I want to be viewed like one. The only way to do that is to write and be heard as an author - not a writer who has cancer. I'm a writer. I'm an author. I won't accept second descriptions. 4. No pity. Don't want it. Don't need it. 5. Prayers, Universal discussions, incantations, good what you need to do. I accept all and travelers cheques as well. I am sure there are more rants coming from me but I am tired. Here's is my promise to my family, friends, enemies and people who walk by me at the mall. - I have many more Christmases (someone help me with a spell check will ya)and Halloweens left in me. Don't you dare count me out. - I'd pit my will against anyone's - any time, any day, any where. I've been told forever that I can't do this or that. I won't be told anymore. - I love you. I might not say it all of the time but I do. More than that, I appreciate you. Always. Never forget it or I'll be forced to remind you. - I look **** good in a t-shirt :) - I had to put that out there, come on, it's funny. This site is simple enough. Sign up if you need to. Share the link with who you feel can benefit. If not, I will talk to you or see you very soon.

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