Monday, July 20, 2015

Number 13

The anesthesiologist had kind eyes. That's all I saw of her face. The rest was tied in a mask and surgical headwear.

"You are getting some medicine now..."

I remember those being the last words I heard.

I fully confess - I look forward to the artificial euphoria. Call it an addiction. For a precious 20-30 seconds, my world is of superhuman feats, flying, laughing and anything else the Land Of Oz that is my brain can conjure.

This time was different.

I saw Eddie.

I have spoken about Eddie in the past. He was a hockey buddy from a long time ago.

The connection was lost as our lives moved on. Then one day, a few years ago I received the word - Eddie died.

For the next 20 seconds, I saved my attempts to fly and melt things with my mind. I recalled being very somber before the lights faded.

As the drugs passed through my system, I didn't try to fight the way I always do. I saw Eddie skating away.

Eddie had a stage whatever pancreatic cancer and four months after the discovery, he passed.

I don't believe in premonitions. I do believe in lost memories.

I interpreted the dream anyway. It wasn't my time. Not yet.

The burn was not as intense this time around. They "spot checked" as was described to me later in my delusional awakening.

Number 3 is in September. I'll carry on till then. A lost memory turned into motivation days later.

Cut to the gym in the 48 hours that passed...Eddie still skated by in my mind.

Every now and again, we should remember our fallen friends, relatives, even strangers you may randomly hear about. Walk their path for a few meters. Snap out of it and realize you ARE walking for real.

I go take my cardiology test tomorrow knowing what I know about myself and my conditioning.

I wasn't going to be tested but I insisted. We all want to measure how far we have come and how far we have to go.

Eddie didn't go very far in life and that is simply unfair...I think we can use that as a blanket statement. We know it's not fair but we can't dwell on it. At least I try not to.

Now we grab our chips when we can.

I can laugh with my family for one more day. That's worth a drug induced dream.

I'll run the treadmill tomorrow. They will burn me again in a month.

Eddie, this one is, well, quite frankly, this one is for me...

Rest easy number 13...


  1. What you said...thank you for the reminder. We should remember those we've known. Stay strong, my friend, because your words help others, and that's the greatest gift of all.

    Linda T. Macklin / L.T. Camlann

  2. Hope you're doing well. Didn't know Eddie but my heart aches for him. More must be done for all cancer types but especially pancreatic. Very well written as always. Keep on trucking.

  3. Thanks for the reminder Joe.


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